“Why don’t you just leave?” or “Why didn’t you just leave?”
It’s the question every survivor of domestic violence is asked, as if leaving had never crossed their mind before. It can be asked because this question seems safe, logical, and normal to ask or the person is asking because they feel like the survivor is responsible for what is happening to them. No matter the intention, it can still be hurtful to the survivor.
Reasons why people don’t JUST leave:
-A responsibility to keep their family together
-Fear of their life (Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship)
-People can still feel love for their partner and hope that change will come
-Shame or guilt of a failed relationship/marriage or of being another statistic
-Not having the financial resources to relocate themselves and their child(ren)
-Fear of leaving pets behind. Some shelters and hotels do not allow pets to come with them. Pets are family and the pain of leaving them can be profound.
-Lack of resources or lack of knowledge of resources
-Lack of health resources, if a survivor needs life-saving medication or treatment
Reasons why men don’t JUST leave:
-A responsibility to keep their family together
-Fear that they will be labeled the abuser
-Feeling like abuse *doesn’t* happen to men
-Internalized shame or guilt of *letting* themselves be abused
-Feelings that they should be able to endure the pain because men are supposed to be able to take it
-Fear of their life (Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship)
-Fear of being outed if they are in a LGBTQIA+ relationship
-People can still feel love for their partner and hope that change will come
-Not having the financial resources to relocate themselves and their child(ren)
-Fear of leaving pets behind. Some shelters and hotels do not allow pets to come with them. Pets are family and the pain of leaving them can be profound.
-Lack of resources or lack of knowledge of resources
-Lack of health resources, if a survivor needs life-saving medication or treatment
The reasons continue and asking this question doesn’t actually help. Instead ask how you can offer help and support, listen, and believe the survivor.